I had the opportunity to sit down with action movie legend Steven Seagal on the set of his hit A & E Television show Seagal Lawman. Seagal has been able to revitalize his career as of late and was gracious enough to give me an interview in between his donut feedings.
Onegeeksvoice: Thank you Mr. Seagal for giving me the time for this interview. It is truly an honor to sit down with one of the best action stars of this generation.
Seagal: Yes it is truly an honor for you.
Onegeeksvoice: The success of your new television show Seagal Lawman has brought you back into the public eye. What gave you the idea for the show and how has it been received by the law enforcement community?
Seagal: I give a lot of credit for the success of my new television show to myself for allowing cameras to document the struggles that hard working police officers have to endure on a nightly basis. I have run..i mean been in this department for almost 20 years now and Jefferson Parish, Louisiana is a much safer community because of it.
Onegeeksvoice: Actually you didn't answer either part of my question.
I proceeded to get choked out for giving Seagal "lip" and after 20 minutes of unconsciousness i resumed my interview.
Onegeeksvoice: I apologize about that. I just wanted to get your opinion on the fact that there are group of Police officers who are stating that you are a fraud and that your show is nothing but a "glorified ride along"
Seagal: Listen boy! There are a considerable amount of jealous policemen out there that can't handle the fact that I can do their jobs in half the time. Just the other day I spent my whole day in Hollywood doing a press shoot for my new movie Machete and then I flew back to Louisiana and busted up a thriving drug cartel that night. I am of a different breed and some people just can't handle that.
Onegeeksvoice: Understood. Speaking of Machete, how was it to share the screen with Danny Trejo?
Seagal: Who?
Onegeeksvoice: Danny Trejo, ya know the star of the movie? The guy who you fought at the end of the movie?
Seagal: <laughs uncomfortably> Star? I assume you mean the Mexican. The funny thing about that is I thought he worked for the Kraft Food services and then I realized he was my co-star. I was embarrassed.......for him....He did a decent job for his first movie out, but with me as a co-star it couldn't have been easy for him.
Onegeeksvoice: Actually Danny Trejo has been in like 40 movies.
Seagal: No shit?
Onegeeksvoice: You worked with him before 20 years ago on Marked for Death.
Seagal: I have worked with many Mexicans in my career and its hard to keep track of all of them. If you said I worked with him, I guess I did.
Onegeeksvoice: John Leguizamo once said in an interview on Conan O'brien that you were one of the most difficult actors he has ever worked with and that you refused to come out of your trailer the day you had to shoot your death scene on Executive Decision. Saying that ..how did you feel about shooting the death scene on Machete?
Seagal: I have no clue who this Legimamo is but I just felt that the story in Executive Decision called for a real hero and it was very unnecessary to have me die right smack in the middle of the movie. The scene called for our unit to board a hijacked plane in midair between planes. The air lock fails and someone has to hold it together and they choose me, the number 1 action star in the world at the time? Why? We had some little Mexican guy in the cast that could easily have pulled that off. That would have helped that little dudes career and maybe we would have seen him in movies since. As far as Machete is concerned, I killed myself in that movie. Although you never know, I may not be dead <Seagal winks at me>
Onegeeksvoice: I'm going to change gears a bit and I wanted to ask you how it was working with Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey on the set of Under Siege?
Seagal: I really didn't spend much time with Tommy.. He spent hours in make up trying to cover up those huge holes in his face. Busey and I spent a lot of time together though. We had a lot in common and we shared alot of our philosophies on life. He told me how he was a Unicorn in his previous life and that he had saved a huge rain forest from being demolished by giant carpenter ants. We spent most of our time though mentoring local orphans on the dangers of cocaine and hookers until Gary got in trouble for bringing in visual aids.
Onegeeksvoice: I always hear from my friends the question: "Who would win in a fight between Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal?" Have you ever met Jean Claude and who do you think would win?
Seagal: I have run into Jean Claude a few times in my travels around the world. I'm not that impressed. Yeah the guy can kick high...big fucken deal. Let's see how high he kicks when I rip his spine out through his anus. <Sweat begins to roll off of his huge forehead>
Onegeeksvoice: There seems to be some animosity in your voice. Are you not a fan of Jean Claude?
Seagal: Listen Fatboy! I'm not a fan of anyone ...people are fans of me. As far as Jean Claude goes....I don't care for him. His movies are vastly inferior to mine and his martial arts skills....<Chuckles> well lets just say Ralph Machio could kick his ass.
Onegeeksvoice: I want to thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule to give me this interview. What can fans expect in the future from Steven Seagal?
Seagal: I have just signed on to bring Seagal Lawman to Broadway. I unfortunately will not be able to play the lead role so I have personally cast David Hassellhoff to play me and because I am such a huge fan of the movies...the entire living Police Academy cast as my partners. George Gaines will play my boss. I am also in negotiations to bring Casey Ryback back to the big screen. The only thing holding it up is that I want the next installment of Under Siege to take place in space but the producers are telling me that it makes no sense for a chef to be in space. I will make it make sense. Astronauts gotta eat don't they? I have to get going now....my partners have cornered an elderly jaywalker and I must subdue her.
Onegeeksvoice: Thanks again.
I can't tell you how much of an honor it was to fake interview Steven Seagal. The bloated action star has always been and always will be an icon of American Cinema. I can only hope one day to attend a musical based on Seagal Lawman. Stay tuned for my next fake celebrity interview MEL GIBSON where I will be asking him many things including his views on relationships, alcohol, and why the Jews ruin everything. That interview will happen next week when I visit him outside a Los Angeles courtroom.
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